Put Your Troubles in the Trunk

Here’s a simple question, the answer to which can teach you an important lesson. Yesterday, at the end of the day, did you:

1. Congratulate yourself for some of your accomplishments?

2. Beat yourself up for what you didn’t get done?

3. Do something, but didn’t think you did it right?

Too often, the answers will be #2 and/or #3. We beat ourselves up at the end of the day about what we should have done, what went wrong, and who was difficult.

I have friends — and you do, too — who are convinced they can use #2 and #3 as ways to improve. But, here’s the problem. If your end-of-day ritual is consistent self-criticism, the habit becomes a fast slide into negativity … and that becomes the foundation for failure.

Yes, we should examine how we do things and with whom we do them and ask ourselves, “Is this the best path forward?” But, beating ourselves up makes us weaker and less likely to take the next step forward on the path.

Last fall, at the pregame tailgate I attend before every home game, a friend’s wife approached me. She knows I present programs about workplace effectiveness and she said, “Something’s going on with Sam (not his real name). Every night when he comes home from work, he’s in a bad mood, snapping at me and the kids. Is there any way you can check in with him and find out what is going on?”

So, I grab a cold beer for Sam and walk over to chat with him. I discover he’s got some challenges at work, and on the way home every day he’s running down the list of what didn’t go right and who didn’t get things right — so when he walks in the door at home, he might as well be walking back in the door at work.

Here was my suggestion after getting his rundown: “I know two things about you. First, on your way home, you pass by a lake about two miles from where you live and it has a parking area. Two, you love The Allman Brothers band and whenever you hear them it puts you in a great, positive mood.” (Sam’s nodding his head at this point and looking at me like, “What the heck does that have to do with anything?”)

I said, “For the next two weeks, between now and the next home game, what if you stopped at the lake, pulled over, and listened to two Allman Brothers songs? While you’re sitting there, I want you to think of two things that went right that day. Yes, you’ve got a lot of challenges and, right now, they are riding in the seat next to you on your way home and they are walking in the house with you. Why not put’em in the trunk for the night? Believe me, they’ll hop in the seat next to you when you’re headed to work the next morning.”

Sam started laughing and, to be honest, I don’t know if it was my suggestion or the beer, but he seemed to get my point.

Two weeks later, at the tailgate, Sam’s wife sidled up to me, smiling, and said, “I don’t know what you told him, but whatever it was worked. It’s a different Sam walking in the house now. Even the kids told me, ‘Mom, Dad’s not being such a butthead!’ So, thank you.” And, I got a hug from her.

At the end of each day, make a point of putting your troubles in the trunk and finding two things that went right. What are two wins you had? You aren’t forgetting what you must get done, but you are giving yourself credit for what you DID get done. Celebrate small wins and you’ll end up having more of them.

And, it’s less likely the folks around you will think you’re acting like such a butthead.